our talks, my infested heart

and the dilapidated menagerie

it sits away from the road.

it rots in the forest.

I take you by the hand, trembling,

and guide you with quiet steps

into the heart of the matter.

and one by one, I take these rusted chains

open doors exposed to the elements,

swing them on screaming hinges,

and take out each beast,

each grinning demon,

for you to examine.

their jaws, their teeth -

watch, they thirst for more bloodshed.

wary, you must be

when I take you to this place

else they may eat you up

as they have devoured my body, many times over.

with great care, I handle them.

make false promises, wheedle, and plead

until I can get them back into their cages.

and you, with a look of shock,

finally understand where the pain all radiates from;

at once, you understand my sleepless nights

and the dilapidated menagerie,

which sits away from the road,

makes a rustic home for my weary head.

I’ve known nothing else, no other song

except the rattle of these chains.
and my heart grows as dark, as thirsty as these monsters.

but I often find, late nights, that I am bound
unable to call out to any companion
or reach for your hand

and I shiver in my cage,
trapped like my own damn demons,

waiting for a dawn that may never come.

therapist referral

Nightmare driven.

Demon infested.
Iron clad with

clenched teeth,

I sat rooted to the floor  -

thread and fibre of every muscle straining  

in clear agony

when you knocked, once, quietly.

And you searched for my face, clear-eyed.

You cleaned my wounds,

took my hands in your own.

Your small fire, kind warmth

melted me away

and all at once

I stood blinking, dazed, awake

in a cold mountain stream.

I was...

myself again.

Casting off the bitter armor,

I began my long trudge homeward.

comes with the territory; an open letter concerning the genderfluid life

There is a gap that not many see.

A place between the binary countries.

A frontier explored by few.

I walk this narrow, winding path; a precarious valley and boundary that separates the two sexes - neither male nor female, something new, without title. And I stray, and I certainly stumble, pausing only to tend to cuts and bloodied knees from the jagged rocks on either side. I come up gasping for air like drowning sailor, when suddenly washed away and lost in the tides from the two sectors. I awake on strange shores, bruised and exhausted; one day I find myself in a frock and heels, and the next, a suit and tie.  Either way I am a foreigner, wary of the locals, and tender and sore on all accounts. I climb for many weary nights to return to my beloved middle ground. Above all, I prefer my pilgrim’s journey of solitude, in the canyon between, at peace with my own manner, speech, and dress.

I clutch my glass of wine in the early hours of the morning like a life preserver, alone and afraid.

On the rare days that I accomplish to walk the narrow, winding path, the devil on my shoulder laughs with maniacal glee at the public’s confused expressions, and the way they trip over their words - ever unsure of how to address me. But if asked to explain myself, or outright chided for my pell-mell appearance, the soft-shell heart within me bleeds for days. The children stare with widened eyes, and whisper behind their hands to parents who do not directly gaze out of shy, conservative politeness as I pass them on the streets, in my amalgamation of genderless clothing.

You question, and define with your drawn brow and darkened eyes; your shouts that ring out in the parking lots, or the way you avoid contact with me altogether. Were you ever given the task to find a label for everyone in the world? Then no, do not take this upon yourself, as it is not your job in life. I beg of you to only see me as another human - not as a trespasser into your side of the gender fence.

Lay down your arms.

There is a gap that not many see, or hear, or know.

A place between the binary countries, sometimes under fire.

A frontier explored by few, but frowned upon by many.

It is at once a nightmare, and the freshest taste of freedom I have ever known.

I shoulder my pack and continue on the narrow, winding path.