6 months after the office door slammed

Far too often now, I find that
my lips are moving in time to the voices
from conversations that happened many months ago,
eyes drifting from this painting, to the original drawing
but they are no longer the same.
And I am shredded, stripped, no longer primed
for even the lean rigger brush leaves me torn asunder.
My hands are messy with the source.
And I wash it away, 30 seconds at a time,
until I worry there won’t be any water left
and still the stain remains.

companion guilt

Your naked eyes swam with trust
as the purr left your throat. 
And my dark wings blotted out of the sun 
while my hand was forced to destroy your plague.
I sing songs in your memory 
to fill up the silence during the day. 
Why did you have to be so little?

boyish in nature: open letter

Anne - 

It was lovely talking to you on the phone. ...I find your voice incredibly soothing. There is something of a mother's tone in it, and I feel as though I could wrap myself like a blanket and be safe, while listening to you speak. I can hear, very clearly, your heart's intentions, and they are good. 

 I hope you are sleeping soundly. 

I wanted to write a little, because writing allows me to think more logically. I tend to stop and start too much when I speak, and it sometimes frightens me to be met with such direct questions... especially ones I have no easy answers for (I do appreciate your questions, clarifications, and advice, though. Please don't stop). I just wanted to explain a little about my current situation, since you were asking and it will help to clear my head to see it laid out. 

A little (blunt, but short) history: 

I met William in a creative writing class in Houston, TX and he is the first man I have ever loved. This was around the time I was starting to "bloom" as my friends said, and began thinking about relationships and sex in general. I started realizing I might be attracted to women around this time, but did not give it much thought and sought after William. Due to money and mental health issues, I lived with my parents at the time, who expressed their hatred of him instantly, on account of his family being Catholic. When they found out he was an Atheist, I was forbidden to see him any more. I still did of course. 8 months later, he was given a job offer in California. He took it, and moved out there. 10 months later, after much heart-ache, I had finished my associate's degree and saved up barely enough to move out there with him. Once I moved in however, all of his talk of getting married fell by the wayside. I attributed this to his history of being cheated on by previous girlfriends, and let the matter drop. 

Before I continue, I'd like to say that he has made me the happiest I've ever been. We are best friends, and are surviving very well out here all by ourselves. Our personalities mesh wonderfully. We never argue. Which is why I feel all the guiltier, because I feel that if I were just a "normal" female, I wouldn't be ruining this ideal relationship. 

Our problems stem from me, I believe. The catalyst. I thought I could be happy in a monogamous relationship, but as much as I try to stamp the urge down, I keep fantasizing about being with a woman. This was fine for a long time, and William and I used to sit in parks or in restaurants and make a game out of who could find the best pair of breasts. It was always really funny, it filled me with a sense of pride when I was the only girlfriend invited to "guy's nights".

 One night, in a drunken conversation, he told me it was unfair that he'd had so many partners, and I only had him. He wanted me to go out and have the "college" experience and figure out my own sexuality. I took him up on his offer and found a girl who was willing. We got as far as starting to make out before I panicked and told her I couldn't do it anymore. When I told him of what happened, he acted dejected and said he didn't want me seeing anyone anymore. It was confusing, but I let the matter drop. After that first taste, the urge to be with a woman was starting to grow. I tried bringing it up to him, twice over the course of a year, and each time ended poorly. Not in a yelling match, but in cold shoulders and resentment. So I have learned to not speak of it in front of him. Between this, my lowered libido, and my tomboyishness... he is not as happy as he could be. I cut my hair off recently and started asserting more masculine traits, it really seemed to bother him and he stopped joking around with me so much. I can see that my actions are starting to make him sad, but neither do I want to stop. I want to be boyish in nature, and I want a woman... and I feel ... at the same time... that I am being selfish... but also that these requests and actions are not all that unreasonable. Especially when one of them was originally laid down by himself. 

When I told him that I was feeling more and more guyish, his face dropped. He told me I needed to figure out what I wanted, and that until then, our relationship is on hold. 

So now I'm in a heady mess of questions I don't know how to solve. The way I see it, there are 2 sides of the problem. 

Do I really want to be a full-time guy, and am just sticking with a female presentation for society's sake, because its comfortable? Because I'm afraid? If I never take on my full "identity" will I regret it? Am I staying with him because I'm scared of the alternative?

And on the flipside... 

Am I over-fantasizing about being a guy, as a means to escape my underlying problems (ie. PTSD? anxiety? depression)? Is my relationship just not what I need right now, and this is something easy to blame it on? Am I capable of that kind of sabotage? If I were to break up and live alone, am I capable of surviving on my own? 

I am having trouble deciding and so in the meantime, I'm currently taking an androgynous route. I hide my chest with sports bras, cut my hair short, and neglect make-up (something not very commonplace in my routine to begin with). After years of theatre and studying people, my mannerisms are masculine. The double-takes and stares I get on occasion amuse me to no end. It's comfortable here, and my boyfriend seems to be fine with it for the time being. I may stay here and explore for some time. I just.... don't know how else to proceed at the moment because I'm so scared of losing him and ruining everything. 

But in the end, I never know if I actually WILL have an answer. I don't know if I can be married, which is the end result, with him. But I don't know if I can be a full-time man. I fantasize about having my own place, smoking a pipe, inviting friends over, chasing after women, being dashing, suave, sociable, and hospitable. I want to wear suits, and be called a sir. But I don't want to completely throw away my feminine side. It's fun to pull that out of the closet once in a while, and wear make-up, and flirt with abandon... I am confusing to myself. I just don't know what I want. 

Well, no. I take that back. I do know what I want. 

I want my dual nature to be acceptable. I want to be able to switch from being a she to he and then back again without a blink of the eye. I want society to respect me. I want my boyfriend to understand that I am not abandoning him. I want to live at 221 B Baker street and solve mysteries... 

I'm sorry. I know this is quite a lot and starting to get silly. When I began this, I only expected this letter to be a paragraph. My, how its grown. 

Humor aside, I'm scared. Genuinely scared. I'm feeling very dark at the moment. I will openly admit that I feel like self-harming, but I won't. Not tonight. I just hate that feeling. I have an ice pack on the back of the neck to help reduce the craving (I read a medical paper on this phenomenon once, and it's actually fairly effective). I am sorry if any of this at any time is triggering for you. That is the last thing I want. 

I appreciate our conversations more than I can express. You are so beautiful, and I hope I can help in any way. 

I just wish I knew who I was... 

What character I am meant to be...

With much love and confusion, 

Rook.